4th day without a cigarette.

November 4, 2015

So it has been 4 days without a cigarette. I think I am doing pretty well. So I thought.

          Sunday I was fine. When I had gone to sleep on Saturday/Sunday morning, after I had bid a very slow farewell to my last cigarette, I opened up a smoking patch and slapped it on to my upper left arm and held it for 10 seconds as instructed and try not to look back. When I woke up on Sunday I felt fine. I did not feel like I did not wanted a cigarette at all. I realized months ago that the one thing I would really miss was the mechanical movements of my arm, my hand and the inhaling movements my mouth would make as I smoked a cigarette. I had long ago figured out when I wanted a cigarette the most. It was always on my home. I wanted a cigarette. The further away I was from my home the less I wanted a cigarette. About a year ago, I also started to slow down on the smoking. While I was working I would try not to go out for a cigarette, not even on my break, but soon after started using a cigarette break to play games on my phone, but there were other reasons why I would go out for a break other then just a cigarette or to play with my phone. That is another story. Back to Sunday. I felt good. I turned on my laptop and do some reading and homework. I did not feel agitated. I felt like I was making a positive step in my life, and wanted to save some money. I would be saving at least $10 a day. My brother Shawn came over and we watched "Snapped" on t-v and talked about my daughter Bree. He asked me how I was feeling; about not smoking. (Insert happy face emoji here). I was not feeling bad at all. I kept hands occupied by my IPhone. Let me just add I Love Steve Jobs. (RIP).
   
          Monday, I was still doing great. In my mind, I was aware that I missed the mechanical movements again. Walking my daughter to school; I busied myself asking her questions about what she expected in her day in school. She answered in a musical whinny "I Don't know?"
After dropping her off I walked to 157th st to get the free AM Newspaper in front of the 1 train station. Then I walked block over to Coral's Diner for my morning espresso, some scrambled eggs and rye toast. I chit chatted and joked with the girls that work there. I have been going to this diner since I moved to the neighborhood more than years ago. I usually have a cigarette on my way home but being that I quit. I did not really feel the need again. Again all I miss was the mechanics. The rest of the day I spent revising work and reading homework that was do the next day. Around noon my best friend called me to run some errands with her and I did. Along the way, we picked up my daughter Bree from school then we headed to 157th st where we parted ways and shouted promises of calling each other later. I walked in to the grocery store across the street from my mother's apartment building and bought 2 beers as I was paying for my beers I called my brother Shawn to come down so we can go to my apartment to watch another movie. All day I did not feel the need to have a cigarette. I was thrilled that my progress was going so well. That night after I showered I placed another patch on my upper left arm. I went to sleep excited to go to school the next day.

          Tuesday, What can I say about Tuesday. Tuesday was day 3. I went to school all excited. My daughters were off from school so I left them some money and told Joey that I would not be coming home during my 3 hour break in between my classes I had to check something out in school with my financial aide. So, I went to my creative non-fiction class without a hitch. I went to Intro to Poetry and immersed my in it, then went to make a few calls then went to financial aide to find out what was going on...
          I am not sure if I really want to go through this again so let me just say I left there in tears. I was under the impression that was doing everything that I needed to do to get financial aide finish my classes so that I can get my diploma. I was being told that do not have financial aide. Now How the hell am I going to be able to finish school? I am so broke I can not even pay rent. I feel like I have royally screwed myself, and why?
          All I had were people telling me to quit school. People telling me just to leave going to school for young people living with their parents. People telling me to find myself a man to pay my bills and the rent and be grateful. Because I listened to these people and now I was paying for the consequences. I left school 15 Years ago because I had just had a baby, working full time, going to school full time, two more children at home and was a single mom. I took my finals with Joey in my arms. I gave birth on a 4 day weekend and went to school to take my finals with Joey 4 days old in my arms. My father refused to let my step mother look after Joey so I could not go to school. He was hoping I would quit school. On top of that he was my landlord. He also raised my rent. I tried to go to school I really did I even tried to hire a babysitter so that I could go to school because LaGuardia community college did not have a program for new born daycare. Also at the time college was requiring me to do an Internship that I could do at the time due to my circumstance. After talking to so many people no one could help me. Everyone told me I had to do the Internship to graduate. I could not. For me to do the internship I would not be able to see my daughters, work my regular paying job, pay my rent or live. By the time I would have finished my internship, I would have been homeless and my father would have called ACS to tell them that I was never around and that my children were left with unfit teenagers, so that my children would be taken from me. So what did I do I dropped out of school with 55 Credits.
          I left the E building defeated in more ways then one. The Lady that called me into her office was very nice to me. (I am tearing up right now write this now) She said she was going to figure something out and would call me the next day. I am trying to be hopeful. She told me to pray. I told her "I'm sorry I have prayed and prayed and prayed without any answer to my prayers" I kind of regrets saying that afterwards, but I was extremely upset. I do remember telling her that school was the only silver lining I had in my miserable life. That I meant it. I felt my world spiraling away from me, I felt like I was losing all hopes of living a normal life. A normal life that consisted of my being able to buy my daughter 3 or 4 pairs of sneakers without having to either save up the money, wait for my income tax money or win $250 in some New York Lottery scratch off. I want to be able to pay the rent without having to sacrifice something like food or the internet. I want to be able to take my daughter to Disney World and enjoy it instead of worrying that, I maybe should have worked some overtime at work instead of going on vacation with my daughter; if I were ever able to go on vacation. I want to be able to pay for my daughters prom dress and a limo ride for her magical night. Something that I think she deserves for her hard work in school. Thank God it is still 2 years away. Believe it or not I started a prom account for her so that I can slowly put money away for her prom. Unfortunately, It's empty. Without having a job how can I pay for anything.
          So with that being said it is now.
Wednesday my 4th day without a cigarette, I woke up without my patch on my arm. I found it crumbled up on my bed. I must have rubbed it off somehow. I took my daughter to school in silence, she was 20 minutes late. I walked over to Coral's had my espresso and scrambled eggs. I ate it in silence. The girls in the diner asked me how I was doing I said fine and asked them how they were. They replied. I came home and cried again. My neighbor knocked on my door; which scared the living daylights out if me, I thought it was someone serving me with a disposes notice. I have been expecting it, but I was still jumpy. He asked me if I was ok and told me I should see a housing lawyer. Long story short. I told him I would talk to him later and I came inside and started writing on my blog. I do not know what to do.

So today I quit... So I can begin.

          So Today November 1, 2015 I quit. I quit smoking cigarettes. I have had enough of wasting my money. I was tired having everyone and their mother asking me for a cigarette as if the name of the brand was "SUPPORT" as opposed to "NEWPORT". 

   

          I see these stupid commercials all the time. They are tell me how "so and so" has a hole in his throat and can not swim at the beach; or the one where some little kid is lost at an airport looking for his mother but she will not come because she's dead because she smoked cigarettes and that is what the commercial is insinuating. How about the commercial where the lady is putting herself together with false teeth, a scarf, make-up and a wig before she goes out everyday. She looked more cancer patient then survivor. With all these commercial about all sorts of medical ailments from smoking, this is not what put me to quit. I did not quit because of these commercials. I did not quit because my clothes smelled like cigarettes. I did not quit so that I could spend more time with my daughters, or that I would be around for them longer. No, that is not what stopped me, even thou I sometimes feel ashamed that I should not have had to have and other reason but for the sake my daughters. I quit because I was tired of spending my money on it and not having anything at all to show for it. 

           I sat down a few months ago and started calculating how much money I was really spending on cigarettes. In my neighborhood I can buy a pack for $8. I have been so stress out and unfortunately do not like gum AND I did not want to start gaining weight but I still felt the need to quit. I made it a habit to have an extra pack of cigarettes in my nightstand because the smoke shop is 3 blocks away and I never feel like walking outside in the middle of the night, especially for a cigarette. So if I smoked about a pack a day and everyone around me asked me for half a pack I was spending a little over $4,000. a year. $4380. a year !!! I could have bought a Vespa. I could have been going around the world. I could have taken my kids to Disney world, or Dominican Republic, or on a cruise. I could put a deposit on an apartment. I could have had my breast done after my daughter was born. So many thing that I could have done. 

          So as I quit smoking cigarettes. I am going to start a new habit. Positive habits like writing more, going to the gym more, reading more. I am taking in a deep positive breath of life and exhale the negativity I have inside.